It’s a scene of total destruction. A twisted metal pole sprawls helplessly across a pile of debris. Slabs of concrete and drywall lie splayed about randomly. A lonely red barrel tops a small mountain of what used to be walls, fixtures, and furniture. There are loose wires, severed pipes, and a general air of malaise and devastation. All those visits, all those hours spent with loved ones – gone, utterly gone.
Is this Gaza? Ukraine? The Middle East? A Moscow suburb?
No. It’s what’s left of our neighborhood McDonald’s. By the time I write this, the lot will have been cleared. Don’t let this depress your Happy Meal, though. Like a Phoenix bird, Nixon in 1968, or Donald Trump in bankruptcy court, it will rise again.
The New Generation of McDonald’s
McDonald’s was one of the first tenants in the shopping center. It’s been there for decades, which is why it had to go. The architecture, if you can call it that, featured the unique sloping roof, a faux tower corner, a desert-friendly beige tone, and, of course, the Golden Arches. The restaurant, if you can call it that, never integrated comfortably with the surrounding shopping center. The drive-through lane encroached on a major access point and near-collisions were common.
McDonald’s announced a multi-billion dollar plan in 2018 to modernize many of its locations. Changes, according to Ambrico, included a new roof design, additional drive-through lanes (gulp!), replacing fluorescent fixtures, getting rid of fiberglass, upgrading furniture, and dividing dining areas. They also include “semi-swooshes,” according to the report, “what McDonald’s calls the yellow ‘brow’ — or half of a golden arch.” "The 500-pound clown of fast food,” added Ambrico, “is trying to look more like a grown-up."
An Analogy To A Former President
Or more like a former President. I’ve seen the “semi-swooshes” on several McDonald’s restaurants. They look like giant Donald Trump wigs. Make the Big Mac great again!
Or not. After all the redesign, marketing, new fixtures and furniture, flat screen TVs, and so on, McDonald’s is still McDonald’s. It will still taste like McDonald’s. And that familiar McDonald’s smell that never goes away, no matter how often you bathe? It remains.
Same goes for the Donald. No matter how grandiloquent his coiffure or how thick his bronzer, the product remains unpalatable. That comparison is probably unfair to McDonald’s, which daily feeds the equivalent of the population of Thailand. While I patronized McD’s a few times in my youth, I no longer take it internally. I’ve never taken what Trump says internally either, even when everybody thought he was a Democrat. Now, he’s a Republican, embraces the Christian Right, compares himself to Jesus, and hawks Bibles.
A Scam for Holy Week
Trump announced his latest scam, Bible sales, on the ironically named “Truth Social” network. “Happy Holy Week!” he wrote. “Let’s Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless The USA Bible.”
And it’s yours for the low, low price of $59.99! Is that a bargain, or what? Forget that you can purchase a Bible for less than half of that from Barnes & Noble, or read it online for free. The Trump-hawked Bible brings the peace of mind that only comes with having your pocket picked by a sanctimonious charlatan.
The announcement claims no proceeds from Trump’s Bible sales will go to his campaign. But they will go to Trump. Philip Bump, writing in The Washington Post, notes the sales website “uses Donald J. Trump’s name, likeness and image under paid license from CIC Ventures LLC.” “CIC Ventures, though,” notes Bump, “is a conduit to Trump — personally, if not politically.” Trump will receive royalties from the sales.
Let’s make America prey again.
Too Dumb To Be President
All Trump offers is a sugar high. He knows his followers don’t want substance - not that he could provide it. That would require intelligence, an arrow missing from Orange Julius Caesar’s quiver. Trump seemed surprised to learn that Abraham Lincoln – the founder of the Republican Party – was a Republican. He suggested shooting up disinfectants to cure Covid. He promoted Hydroxychloroquine as a Covid cure, even though people who took it were more likely to die than those who didn’t.
And who could forget this gem:
"Suppose that we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light," he mused at a Covid briefing. "Supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way."
Sounds like a plan, Donald. You go first. Where shall we insert the filament?
While McDonald’s draws the line at poisoning its customers – unlike Trump – there are similarities between the Trump campaign and McDonald’s. Both appeal to the gut, not the brain. Both rely on millions of people donating small sums of money to their causes.
And, most importantly, each comes equipped with its own clown.
© 2024 by Mike Tully