It wasn’t my worst on-the-air gaffe, but might be the funniest. I worked in radio full time from late 1973 through 1977, and part-time occasionally after that. Not everything went as planned. It’s hard to spend hundreds of hours doing live radio without occasionally slipping on a rhetorical banana peel.
When I was Public Affairs Director for KTUC-AM radio, my duties included traveling to the newsroom of the late Tucson Citizen for early morning newscasts. I would read the Citizen’s news copy on the air before the stories hit print. Each newscast began when the studio announcer said something like, “What are today’s headlines?” or “What’s in today’s Tucson Citizen?” I would then lead with a story that would run in print later.
The Gaffe
One day, this happened:
Bill (back at the studio): “What’s the latest from the Citizen, Mike?”
Me: “Big news in science, Bill. Astronomers have discovered rings around Uranus.”
Yes, I pronounced it “your anus.” I struggled to make it through the newscast. Fortunately, I could not hear Bill howling on the other end of our connection. If I had, I’d have lost it.
Most astronomers pronounce the planet’s name as “you’re-a-NUSS,” based on the original Greek name, Ouranos. Hardly anybody, outside of a few purist astronomers, pronounces it that way. For the rest of us, “your anus” is the accepted – if awkward – pronunciation. That’s how you should pronounce it in your head as you read this.
But this piece is not about Uranus; it’s about Pluto.
Is the Official State Planet Really A Planet?
Last Friday, March 29th, Governor Katie Hobbs signed a bill officially designating Pluto as Arizona’s “official state planet.” (Pluto was discovered by an Arizona astronomer in 1930.) The good news is Arizona’s official state planet is not, and never will be, Uranus.
The bad news is Pluto might not actually be a “planet.” Five years ago, the International Astronomical Union decided that Pluto was not officially a planet because, while it orbits the sun, is round, and has moons – seriously, that’s not enough? – it fails the “planet” test because its unique orbit sometimes dips within that of its neighbor, Neptune. The Union demoted it to a “dwarf planet.” Busted for trespassing! Arizonans don’t care. Stick it in Uranus, we say.
Well, not all of us. While the Pluto bill passed the House of Representatives unanimously, there were five dissenters in the Arizona Senate. Sally Ann Gonzales, a Tucson Democrat, was apparently turned off by the “dwarf” designation, declaring, “Scientifically, they took it out of being a planet.”
Rosanna Gabaldon, a Democratic Senator from southern Pima County, didn’t want to play. “We have many other topics we should be voting on, discussing, passing, having the governor sign into statute,’’ she said, adding, “It’s just one of those things that I don’t think is important.”
Earth and Pluto to Senator Gabaldon: Have you looked at the “important” stuff the Republican legislative majority has been doing? Governor Hobbs is risking carpal tunnel syndrome with all the vetoes she has to sign. What’s the harm in adopting a planet, even a dwarf?
Anthony Kern Cares About Uranus
Senator Anthony Kern, a MAGA-addled Republican who also voted against the Pluto bill, had the most interesting rationale. “I did not want to discriminate against those who wanted Mars, Venus, Jupiter, or everyone’s favorite, Uranus,” he said.
The campaign slogan writes itself: “Vote for Anthony Kern. He cares about Uranus.”
I don’t know if Kern faced any follow-up questions but, if he did, maybe the dialogue would have gone like this:
Interviewer: Senator, is it true you voted against the Pluto bill because you’re concerned about Uranus?
Kern: My what?
I: Uh, why did you vote against Pluto as the official state planet?
K: Because it’s a dwarf. Why pick a dwarf when Uranus is so much bigger? I think most Arizonans prefer Uranus.
I: This is making me uncomfortable.
K: Why? Everybody knows Uranus is huge.
I: Can we change the subject?
K: People should pay more attention to Uranus. Why should Pluto get all the love? This is just more “woke” ideology.
I: Why do you call it “woke?”
K: Because Pluto is not a real planet. Calling it a planet is just another example of DEI running amuck. Let me ask you, is Uranus a dwarf?
I: Seriously, can we change the subject?
K: It’s not a dwarf. Everybody knows how big Uranus is.
I: I think it’s time to wrap this up.
K: Okay. I’ve said pretty much everything I need to say about Uranus.
I: That’s a relief. Do you have any final comments?
K: Yes. Arizona doesn’t need a dwarf. Arizona needs Uranus.
I: Thank you, Senator.
K: You’re welcome. I’ll bet this interview made Uranus feel good.
Despite Senator Kern’s infatuation with Uranus, “everyone’s favorite” planet is not, like Pluto, an official state planet. It’s simply Uranus, and that’s all it will ever be.
Does that make it okay for Arizona to adopt Pluto as its official state planet, even if it’s a “dwarf?”
You bet Uranus it does.